IT'S HERE

My doorbell just rang. It never rings. I knew in an instant what it was.

As I walked from the kitchen to the front room I saw the FedEx truck in my driveway.

That poor innocent FedEx girl. She didn't know what she was getting into.

I opened the door with a squeal, and said "OMG that's my LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER book from Snapfish"

She couldn't hand it to me fast enough.

It's HERE! The book is here. My heart is full!

And, the book is beautiful. It's the perfect combination of all of us. It's like having a piece of every single person that was a part of the Listen To Your Mother shows.

I will NEVER be able to explain what I got from LTYM. Sometimes words aren't enough. Sometimes feelings can't be labeled. Sometimes gifts and blessings can't be counted.

Listen To Your Mother gave me, at the very least, my voice back. This book will be a daily reminder.

I came, I saw, I wrote, I spoke. We cried.

Thank you will never be enough, but, THANK YOU Ann Imig, Lela Davidson, Stephanie Funk McCratic, and Snapfish!

She'll Need A Dress, My Listen To Your Mother Piece

Everyone knows now.  The phone hasn't stopped ringing, and knocks on the door keep coming.  I'm not in the mood for sympathy from others.  Maybe my lack of sleep is to blame, maybe I just don't want to hear it'll be ok, or feel someone else's arms around me.  My focus today is solely finding what my Momma will wear.

It's close to 11 now, and the funeral director has called (again) asking for the clothing, wondering what we have planned for her to wear.  This part should be easy, my mother always talked about what she wanted to be buried in.  I've known since I was 7 exactly what she wanted.

“When I die, you better put me in the best red dancing dress you can find. AND heels! I have to have heels on. I'll need to have my Charlie on and don't forget red panties"

My mother knew what my dad liked, and she wanted to go out still catching his eye and ready to dance the night away.

So why is this so hard?  Hell, it's February; finding a red dress should be easy.

It's 1, and if I don't go now I never will.  I gather my belongings, kiss my baby girl goodbye and head to the department store.  As I'm browsing the racks of dresses a happy little sales girl says "Can I help you find something? Are you looking for a dress for a valentine date? Have you seen these?"  Shit!  Now I know why I didn't want to do this; people, people asking questions, staring at you waiting for answers, filling the already awkward silence with even more questions.  I guess I have to acknowledge her but, what do I say? Clearing my throat I say, "I'm just looking, but thank you.  I'll let you know if I need anything."

Back to the racks I come across a dress.  It's satin, has tiny roses on the top, an empire waist, and spaghetti straps.  It also has a matching cardigan and since I've been directed by the funeral home her outfit must have sleeves this is perfect.  I make my way to the under wear department where I find red lace panties that perfectly match the dress. Onto shoes; without many options I settle for a pair of strappy red heels.

I make my way to the register and here is the sales girl I have been trying so hard to avoid.  "Did you find everything you need?" (GREAT more questions) "Yes" I say.  "What's the special occasion, Valentine's day?"  She's staring, waiting. God, why am I not a better liar?  "My mother passed away.  I'm buying her funeral clothes."   Silence...

Driving to the funeral home I feel a bit of relief.  I have one more thing done, one less thing to worry about.  In the parking lot I find myself clutching the dress as if it's the last piece of my mother I will ever hold.  How do I do this? How do I hand off of the outfit my mother will be buried in?  Why, at 19 years old am I even here?  This isn't fair.

As I hand over the clothing the director says "This is want you want her to wear?"  "Yes," I say.  "It is going to be open casket, and a traditional Catholic Mass right?" she says while looking at the stuff I've brought.”  Oh here, we won't need these shoes, or these panties; Honey we don't really dress them from head to toe" she continues.  "But," I mange to squeak out, "It's what she wanted.  It's what she always wanted.  She wants to meet my Dad again how she met him before; in a red dancing dress.  I have to make sure she gets this."

I have to make sure she gets this.  I need this.  I need to believe in this, as long as she gets this, she will be reunited with my dad how she wanted.  I will have done this one thing to prove I love her and she will know.  She will know that she is important and she is loved, by me.

I picked this one insignificant detail to focus on because it was easier than thinking about the only person I felt had ever loved me was gone.  The only person capable of loving me so wholly and unconditionally was gone.

Now what?  I'm only 19.

I'm only 19 and now, I'm my own mother.

Listen To Your Mother, Why It Mattered To Me

Listen To Your Mother has come but I wouldn't say it's gone.

On Sunday April 29th I took the stage at Walton Arts Center with 13 beautiful and talented women.

All of us are at different points in our lives, all of us with different stories, all of us are new to this whole LTYM thing, and all of us are now closer than ever before.

For me LTYM was about honoring my mother one more time. It was a chance to feel like I had done something right. Like I hadn't failed her.

You see, my piece, She'll Need a Dress, was me telling the story of finding the clothing of which to bury her in. The circumstances in life leading up to such event have made who I am today. As well as a little uneasy with and unprepared for the emotions that came with telling my story.

When my Momma passed away I was only 19, newly 19 at that. It was a fairly regular Sunday. Except that my Momma was tired. Very tired. I had asked her numerous times if she felt ok, or needed to go to the doctor. Each time I woke her or questioned her she assured me everything was fine, she was just tired.

As the day went on and turned into evening I woke her up for dinner. She didn't want to eat, so I again asked if she wanted to go to the doctor. Again she said she was fine just really tired.

I started to watch a movie and time got away from me. Before I knew it, it was after 9 p.m. I went to wake my Momma up one more time, and in that instant my life changed forever. I opened her bedroom door and said "Momma" she didn't respond so I said it louder, still nothing. I went to shake her a tad and when I did I discovered her body was lifeless.

I screamed and I tried with everything in me to revive her. 911 was called and paramedics and police came from out of nowhere. I continued to try to revive her. Paramedics told me there was nothing else we could do but, I didn't want to believe them. I begged, and begged for them to bring my Momma back but, it was too late.

I have forever felt like I failed her. I didn't wake her in time. I didn't try hard enough to revive her. I always wonder if I had done just one more repetition if it would have mattered.

Listen To Your Mother gave me a moment in time to do it right. To honor the woman she was, and to honor her memory. Her legacy is all I have left of her and I wanted to do it justice.

As I took the stage last Sunday, the emotions started to take over. I realized about the time Stephanie said my name to the audience that I really might not be ready for this.

When I began to speak the tears started to fall. Lucky for me we had the greatest audience anyone could ask for. They opened their hearts to me as I not so eloquently poured out mine.

I gave them a tiny piece of me and they gave me pieces of their hearts in return.

Together we cried, we laughed, and we cried some more. Together.

For a moment in time all the Mommas in the world were holding me tight.

For a moment in time I didn't feel alone in my burdens.


(photographers courtsey of Megan Clemence Photography)

You Did What?!?

So, Sunday while I was gone being a superstar in Listen To Your Mother and the Dad was along to support me, our daughters stayed home with the younger kids. They are 16 and almost 13 and they are pros at helping out with the little ones so I wasn't really worried.

Plus, are neighbors are awesome and always keep an eye out without letting the big girls know.

I checked in with the girls while I was backstage waiting for LTYM to start and just like I thought Daughter 1 said everything was fine. The littlest one had just woke up from a nap so she was going to make him a peanut butter roll up. (It's one of his favorite things) Alright I said and reminded them all, through her, that I loved them.

The Dad checked in with the girls multiple times via text before the show started and after. Each time he got a reply about how great things were going.

No need to worry right?!?

WRONG!!

When we got home, I walked through the door and was greeted with several high pitch squeals and hugs, and then I noticed my baby's hair.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" I questioned. "WHY?" "Why is your baby brother's hair?" "Why is your brother's hair PURPLE?"

Yes, you read that right. They dyed my precious baby boy's hair purple!!

Now, before you go and call anyone, it wasn't permanent. It wasn't even semi permanent. It was the kind you brush in with a mascara brush that comes out without even washing the hair.

Still, the dyed my baby's hair purple!

I bet they were hoping I'd freak out and say something crazy like "You're never babysitting again." Boy, were they wrong. I see a lot of diapers in their future. :)

Listen To Your Mother, The Gift That Keeps On Giving

My thoughts on LTYM probably won't be completely written out or summed up for days but, I can assure you all that this is a gift that keeps on giving.

LTYM has given me a voice, courage, hope, strength, support, love, and friendship just to name a few.

Friendship might be the greatest gift of all.

During this process women from all different walks of life came together to support each other, and in doing that many friendships have bloomed.

Meet Heather Smith- Davis.

Heather is one of the kindest women I have ever met, and luckily, I now get to call her friend. Heather is a strong woman that wears many hats. She is a teacher, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a writer, a blogger, a storm watcher, weather radio listener, and a mother to, two beautiful little girls. She has guided me, taught me, hugged me, pushed me, wiped my tears, made me laugh to the point of nearly peeing my pants, and supported me. She does for others before thinking of herself, she is what a friend and a woman should be.

So, here's to Heather, the Minivan Momma, that's always willing to take another along for the ride!

"Schweddy Balls"

“Schweddy Balls”

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I'm Margaret Jo McCullen.

Teri Rialto: And I'm Teri Rialto.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And you're listening to..

Together: The Delicious Dish, on National Public Radio.

*******

Teri Rialto: Please welcome the owner of Season's Eatings - Pete Schweddy.

[ Pete pulls up to his mike ]

Margeret Jo McCullen: Well, Pete, Teri and I have been looking forward to having you on the show, 'cause we know you're the master of all kinds of Christmas goodies. Tell us about them.

Pete Schweddy: Well, there are lots of great treats this time of year - Zucchini Bread, Fruitcake.. but the thing that I most like to bring out this time of year are my Balls.

*******

Pete Schweddy: A quick plug! If you order from Season's Eatings now, you can still send out a special Schweddy Ball Sack in time.

Margeret Jo McCullen: Great idea. My niece would love a Sack of Schweddy Balls...

(12/12/98 SNL Transcript The Delicious Dish)

I still remember watching this episode on SNL. It has got to be one of my all favorite skits, ever.

It might be my love of NPR, or my sick sense of humor. Regardless, it’s a favorite.

It also fueled my desire to one day be a guest on a National Public Radio show even more.

So, imagine my surprise and delight when I was given the opportunity to speak with Arkansas’ very own Kyle Kellams host of Ozarks At Large on local NPR station KUAF.

It’s happening, I thought. My day has come. I am going to be on a NPR station. Oh My God! Amazing. I will get to sit in a NPR chair, in a NPR station, across from a NPR host, and speak into a NPR microphone. I seriously could die happy now.

Myself, some my Listen To Your Mother cast members, and our director, got to share this wonderfully nerdy experience together. As a bonus, we got to promote our upcoming Listen To Your Mother show.

It was nothing short of a dream come true. Kyle is a pro. He asked all the right questions and made each of us fell like the superstars we imagine ourselves to be. He was kind and supportive and as if that’s not enough, he gave us multiple segments on the show. He aired our segment Friday, April 27, 2012, at Noon, and again at 7 that night. On Sunday, April 29^th, he aired a special segment on the morning show that highlighted some of our writings.

Thank you Kyle, from the very bottom of my nerdy pro public service, and public radio heart!

P.S. He let me say “Schweddy Balls!!”