Have Some Chocolate With Me

Tomorrow would be my Momma's 72nd birthday. Would be. She passed away 11 years ago this past February.

My entire life, well as far back as I can remember, I have celebrated her birthday by laying a single red rose and a Hershey chocolate bar by her bed for when she woke up. I always wanted it to be the first "gift" she got that day, and my older brothers and sisters were always happy to help me make that happen.

As we grew up I eventually became able to do it all on my own. And, for the last 11 years I have quietly continued to celebrate her birthday by laying a single red rose on her headstone and sitting along side it enjoying a Hershey candy bar.

Tomorrow will be no different, but, tomorrow I'd like each of you to help me celebrate her by having a Hershey chocolate bar yourself.

Maybe you could you send me a pic of how you're enjoying it. Post it here, post it on Facebook, tweet it. maybe that will make the day a little easier.

I think she would like that.

IT'S HERE

My doorbell just rang. It never rings. I knew in an instant what it was.

As I walked from the kitchen to the front room I saw the FedEx truck in my driveway.

That poor innocent FedEx girl. She didn't know what she was getting into.

I opened the door with a squeal, and said "OMG that's my LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER book from Snapfish"

She couldn't hand it to me fast enough.

It's HERE! The book is here. My heart is full!

And, the book is beautiful. It's the perfect combination of all of us. It's like having a piece of every single person that was a part of the Listen To Your Mother shows.

I will NEVER be able to explain what I got from LTYM. Sometimes words aren't enough. Sometimes feelings can't be labeled. Sometimes gifts and blessings can't be counted.

Listen To Your Mother gave me, at the very least, my voice back. This book will be a daily reminder.

I came, I saw, I wrote, I spoke. We cried.

Thank you will never be enough, but, THANK YOU Ann Imig, Lela Davidson, Stephanie Funk McCratic, and Snapfish!

She'll Need A Dress, My Listen To Your Mother Piece

Everyone knows now.  The phone hasn't stopped ringing, and knocks on the door keep coming.  I'm not in the mood for sympathy from others.  Maybe my lack of sleep is to blame, maybe I just don't want to hear it'll be ok, or feel someone else's arms around me.  My focus today is solely finding what my Momma will wear.

It's close to 11 now, and the funeral director has called (again) asking for the clothing, wondering what we have planned for her to wear.  This part should be easy, my mother always talked about what she wanted to be buried in.  I've known since I was 7 exactly what she wanted.

“When I die, you better put me in the best red dancing dress you can find. AND heels! I have to have heels on. I'll need to have my Charlie on and don't forget red panties"

My mother knew what my dad liked, and she wanted to go out still catching his eye and ready to dance the night away.

So why is this so hard?  Hell, it's February; finding a red dress should be easy.

It's 1, and if I don't go now I never will.  I gather my belongings, kiss my baby girl goodbye and head to the department store.  As I'm browsing the racks of dresses a happy little sales girl says "Can I help you find something? Are you looking for a dress for a valentine date? Have you seen these?"  Shit!  Now I know why I didn't want to do this; people, people asking questions, staring at you waiting for answers, filling the already awkward silence with even more questions.  I guess I have to acknowledge her but, what do I say? Clearing my throat I say, "I'm just looking, but thank you.  I'll let you know if I need anything."

Back to the racks I come across a dress.  It's satin, has tiny roses on the top, an empire waist, and spaghetti straps.  It also has a matching cardigan and since I've been directed by the funeral home her outfit must have sleeves this is perfect.  I make my way to the under wear department where I find red lace panties that perfectly match the dress. Onto shoes; without many options I settle for a pair of strappy red heels.

I make my way to the register and here is the sales girl I have been trying so hard to avoid.  "Did you find everything you need?" (GREAT more questions) "Yes" I say.  "What's the special occasion, Valentine's day?"  She's staring, waiting. God, why am I not a better liar?  "My mother passed away.  I'm buying her funeral clothes."   Silence...

Driving to the funeral home I feel a bit of relief.  I have one more thing done, one less thing to worry about.  In the parking lot I find myself clutching the dress as if it's the last piece of my mother I will ever hold.  How do I do this? How do I hand off of the outfit my mother will be buried in?  Why, at 19 years old am I even here?  This isn't fair.

As I hand over the clothing the director says "This is want you want her to wear?"  "Yes," I say.  "It is going to be open casket, and a traditional Catholic Mass right?" she says while looking at the stuff I've brought.”  Oh here, we won't need these shoes, or these panties; Honey we don't really dress them from head to toe" she continues.  "But," I mange to squeak out, "It's what she wanted.  It's what she always wanted.  She wants to meet my Dad again how she met him before; in a red dancing dress.  I have to make sure she gets this."

I have to make sure she gets this.  I need this.  I need to believe in this, as long as she gets this, she will be reunited with my dad how she wanted.  I will have done this one thing to prove I love her and she will know.  She will know that she is important and she is loved, by me.

I picked this one insignificant detail to focus on because it was easier than thinking about the only person I felt had ever loved me was gone.  The only person capable of loving me so wholly and unconditionally was gone.

Now what?  I'm only 19.

I'm only 19 and now, I'm my own mother.

Listen To Your Mother, Why It Mattered To Me

Listen To Your Mother has come but I wouldn't say it's gone.

On Sunday April 29th I took the stage at Walton Arts Center with 13 beautiful and talented women.

All of us are at different points in our lives, all of us with different stories, all of us are new to this whole LTYM thing, and all of us are now closer than ever before.

For me LTYM was about honoring my mother one more time. It was a chance to feel like I had done something right. Like I hadn't failed her.

You see, my piece, She'll Need a Dress, was me telling the story of finding the clothing of which to bury her in. The circumstances in life leading up to such event have made who I am today. As well as a little uneasy with and unprepared for the emotions that came with telling my story.

When my Momma passed away I was only 19, newly 19 at that. It was a fairly regular Sunday. Except that my Momma was tired. Very tired. I had asked her numerous times if she felt ok, or needed to go to the doctor. Each time I woke her or questioned her she assured me everything was fine, she was just tired.

As the day went on and turned into evening I woke her up for dinner. She didn't want to eat, so I again asked if she wanted to go to the doctor. Again she said she was fine just really tired.

I started to watch a movie and time got away from me. Before I knew it, it was after 9 p.m. I went to wake my Momma up one more time, and in that instant my life changed forever. I opened her bedroom door and said "Momma" she didn't respond so I said it louder, still nothing. I went to shake her a tad and when I did I discovered her body was lifeless.

I screamed and I tried with everything in me to revive her. 911 was called and paramedics and police came from out of nowhere. I continued to try to revive her. Paramedics told me there was nothing else we could do but, I didn't want to believe them. I begged, and begged for them to bring my Momma back but, it was too late.

I have forever felt like I failed her. I didn't wake her in time. I didn't try hard enough to revive her. I always wonder if I had done just one more repetition if it would have mattered.

Listen To Your Mother gave me a moment in time to do it right. To honor the woman she was, and to honor her memory. Her legacy is all I have left of her and I wanted to do it justice.

As I took the stage last Sunday, the emotions started to take over. I realized about the time Stephanie said my name to the audience that I really might not be ready for this.

When I began to speak the tears started to fall. Lucky for me we had the greatest audience anyone could ask for. They opened their hearts to me as I not so eloquently poured out mine.

I gave them a tiny piece of me and they gave me pieces of their hearts in return.

Together we cried, we laughed, and we cried some more. Together.

For a moment in time all the Mommas in the world were holding me tight.

For a moment in time I didn't feel alone in my burdens.


(photographers courtsey of Megan Clemence Photography)

Will They Ever Learn

The Dad is at band practice.

The kiddos are all asleep.

I was going to clean up our kitchen and finish up some of the kids' chores...

WAS GOING TO

But, then I went to the fridge to pour myself a glass of tea.

This is what I found.

I probably don't need to tell you that I am not cleaning our kitchen, I am not finishing up some of the kids' chores. 

I am planning my next move. Hope they're hungry but, only expect a bite.

Listen To Your Mother, The Gift That Keeps On Giving

My thoughts on LTYM probably won't be completely written out or summed up for days but, I can assure you all that this is a gift that keeps on giving.

LTYM has given me a voice, courage, hope, strength, support, love, and friendship just to name a few.

Friendship might be the greatest gift of all.

During this process women from all different walks of life came together to support each other, and in doing that many friendships have bloomed.

Meet Heather Smith- Davis.

Heather is one of the kindest women I have ever met, and luckily, I now get to call her friend. Heather is a strong woman that wears many hats. She is a teacher, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a writer, a blogger, a storm watcher, weather radio listener, and a mother to, two beautiful little girls. She has guided me, taught me, hugged me, pushed me, wiped my tears, made me laugh to the point of nearly peeing my pants, and supported me. She does for others before thinking of herself, she is what a friend and a woman should be.

So, here's to Heather, the Minivan Momma, that's always willing to take another along for the ride!

Lazy Butts!

My children have reached a whole new level of laziness. 

Seriously! Instead of walking to the linen closet to grab a few rolls of toilet paper, Daughter 1 leaves this lovely message on the bathroom mirror. 

Ya know because that was easier...